Done

So it looks like I am completely done with breastfeeding. I am shocked at just how upset I am about this. It appears that Layla's "nursing strike" was really her way of telling me she was starving. After I gave in and gave her a bottle thinking that was what she wanted it was clear I wasn't producing milk anymore. I was prepared for pain, engorgement something. But nope I just stopped and felt nothing. I am disappointed that I didn't quite make it to 6 months(10days short) and I was considering continuing past 6 months.

I am not sure if I am just upset by it because I didn't get to choose to stop or if it is the fact that when I saw her holding her own bottle I realized how grown up she is. But I either way I am sad that it is over!

But since it is over I am trying to see the positive...hand her a bottle and walk way, Jatovi getting up to feed her during the night. There are some advantages and they are good ones.

I have been making my own baby food! And she seems to enjoy my cooking!(at least for now)

Lets try this Again!

So after a very long nap yesterday Layla woke up and seemed to feel fine. However her decision was clearly not made. She nursed but only have the time she needed to and refused to take a bottle of formula and breast milk mixed. Her face said it all... it tasted gross to her. So after wasting several ounces of breast milk she went to bed after eating very little. She had a dry diaper last night so I was of course getting concerned.

So today we started off with 1.5oz of formula and the rest breast milk...and she drank it all. The first couple of sucks she made a face and I wasn't sure she would take it, but she did. She ate her lunch and afternoon bottle(almost half and half this time) with out any issues. And back to her small spit ups as usual. So it looks like we are on the road to eating well from a bottle! Now I need to stop my body from producing breast milk. I have however decided that her"nursing strike" may have been her way of telling me I didn't have enough milk anymore. Because it is now very clear my supply was low.

Please Pick One

Everything I have read says that babies before a year don't self wean. They may however go on a nursing strike. I guess this is what Layla is doing. Last week I worked 3 of 4 days and on my first day off she would not nurse. She nursed fine at night but it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon before she would eat. She was crying, mad and was making it very clear that she did not want to breastfeed. I stuck it out and while I was off for the next 4 days we got our routine down again. Well this week it started again and I just don't think I can keep doing this. I never thought I would nurse this long...and I really never thought I would nurse past 6 months. Well she is 6 months next week. So I guess I will have made it to my goal since I have to wean slowly so I don't end up in pain.
I have have mixed emotions about this new chapter in our lives. I have feelings that I was sure I would never have. "Mothers guilt" over using formula. I could not believe mothers felt bad about formula. We feed it to the babies at work everyday and they do just fine, I was a formula kid, I am just fine. So when I listened to mothers before I thought they were crazy. Well when I gave her her first 2 oz of formula this morning...I felt the guilt!
Layla has not helped me with this feeling. She then went on the refuse to nurse(expected), eat her lunch (carrots and oatmeal) and then puke it all back up! Layla has been sick with every meal...we are use to that. But this was different, gaging, crying, and many times over. I am sure there was not a drop of her food left in her. She then feel asleep in my arms. I was freaked! Was she sick, was it the formula? I have no idea. I made a quick appointment with the doctor to then call my mom and she talked me into cancelling it. At this time Layla was lying on my bed smiling and talking...acting perfectly healthy.
I put her down for a nap and I will see what happens when she wakes up.

Dear Layla,
Please pick one...Breast or Bottle! I am very stressed out over this. You need to eat and at this point I don't care which one...just pick one and feel better. I love you so much and can't stand to see you like this. It broke my heart to see you sick. I will breast feed forever if that's what you want(maybe not forever..but until you have teeth) as long as you don't feel sick.
So when you wake up from your nap please be feeling better and have made your choice.

Love You Always,
Mom

Learning to Eat Like a Big Girl

I have a hard time making big decisions. One of them is "when to start solids" Well a wise woman said to me does it really matter? Don't worry about the things that don't really matter, when she is 15 will it matter if you started this week or next? Probably not...so I started! It was the right decision Layla was more than ready. After only 2-3 meals of her rice cereal she had it down pat. I did a week of rice cereal on it's own and then this week added crushed banana. Boy does she love it. Once I put her in her high chair she gets so excited and eats every drop. I plan to start with veggies next week...no more fruit until she has experience the terrible taste of vegetables. I am hoping she will like them more than I do.

Making Room for Baby

We are not lucky enough to have a large house that has a "play room". So as I found our living room becoming cluttered with Layla's toys I felt I needed to do something. Our living room is long and narrow so I decided to move our stuff to one end and make a small play area for Layla at the other end.

In my planning I forgot about our big baby...Molly Brown she loves it as well! So we do spend a lot time saying "Molly Brown off" but it is worth it Layla has her space and my living room is not completely taken over.

Layla please stop growing up...5months!

I can't believe I have a 5 month old daughter! Time is going by so fast and she is changing everyday. Layla appears to be a very happy baby. She laughs often, smiles all the time and loves to be out and just watch the world. She is talking everything in and you can tell she is learning so much. The cutest thing ever is that she knows to put her arms up when she wants you to pick her up. It doesn't matter what I am doing if she does this I stop and pick her up, I can't resist. I realize that we have the makings of a spoiled little girl on our hands but I just melt when I see the arms go up. One concern I have is that she really is unable to play by herself. When she is awake she seems to need your undivided attention. She will play on her mat for about 5 minutes before realizing you are not there and the tears come. Any activity is short lived if you are not around. I get the house work done in quick sessions before the tears. I am not sure if this is normal for her age but I hope she learns to play independently soon! I told Jatovi that I am worried about her being spoiled. Jatovi continues to run to her every time she wakes during the night and I keep telling him"we are creating a spoiled alittle girl" Jatovi will say "she is our only child she deserves to be spoiled" my response is I will remind you of that when she is lying on the ground in Target screaming because she isn't getting what she wants. Jatovi feels this is a "brat" not a spoiled child. So we will see???


We are working on sitting. Layla is able to sit for a few seconds unsupported but at this point does require alittle help. Her hair is starting to finally grow, still have a way to go but it is starting. She has started to make the cutest noise and she does it ALL the time. She breaths out, at the same time her lips are closed. So cute!


Sleep...what to say about sleep? I guess we have made progress but until she goes to bed and doesn't wake until the sun is up I won't be happy. She will sleep 7 hrs at a time some nights.She goes to bed around 6, getting up to eat at 11 and 4 and then up for the day around 9am most days. We are trying to get her to stay up later but she is like her Mommy and likes to go to bed early. Layla will only be up for about an hour and then her morning nap. Afternoon naps are short and she only takes 1 or 2. So because of this we are trying to get a better afternoon nap in so she may stay up later. Many people have said that this is not bad for 5 months but I am hopeful to get a longer stretch during the night and not one that starts at 6pm.


As for me, I have never been happier! I continue to breastfeed and although I HATE it during the night I don't mind it during the day.It is easy and free. My goal of 6 months is fast approaching so we will see if I am ready to stop. Jatovi and I are in a great place in our marriage and the 3 of us love hanging out. Several people have said "that mother hood agrees with me" and I would say they are right. I do think some of it is because I really didn't think it would be that great. I didn't think I would feel what everyone else does about being a parent. I have been so scared "to screw" up a child that I never thought about the good things that would come with it. This experience is SO much better than I ever thought it would be. I did not know how great loving someone this much would be. Layla has changed my life in so many ways and made me so happy. I know everyone says that but it really is true for me. Don't get me wrong at 4am I am still miserable and I am still terrified that I will do something wrong but I just keep doing my best and trying to enjoy her.


What I want to remember from this month is the pure joy I have been feeling every time she raises her arms for me to pick her up. It is selfish but I love having someone want me and only me! It is a great feeling!

A Trip to Grammie and Grampas

On September 13 Layla and I were off to Canada again. It was easier for us to fly up than my parents to come down because my schedule leaves me with several days off in a row. The trip up was great, Layla was so good. We left NC at 1630 and didn't get to Buffalo until after 1900. We then had to drive the 2 hrs to Fergus. Needless to say it was way past Layla's bedtime..but she handled it so well. Cuddled up in my arms she slept most of the way.During our layover she did start crying ( it was around 1800, her usual time to go to bed) but it lasted only a few minutes and she was asleep before the plane took off. The way home was even better no tears!
The weather so so nice...very cool. She got to wear winter sweaters and long pants. We got to bundle her up and take her for walks around Fergus, I loved every minute. My parents had gone nuts as usual and bought her so much stuff. Layla is so lucky to have so many people who love her. Jatovi and I will never be able to thank them for all they have done for us. With every purchase they make, it makes our lives a little easier.
Bringing Layla "home" makes me so proud. I want her to grow up with fond memories of her grandparents. Watching them with her is so amazing and special to me. My dad melts when she smiles at him and my mom teaches me so much. I have become so close to my mom and I couldn't be happier. The only thing I wish is that they lived closer. I have a great life here but really wish they could be part of our lives everyday. When I leave them now I am already thinking about the next time we will be together. I hope I can be half the mother my mom is. As an adult child looking back on my childhood, I can respect the challenges my mom faced and respect her for the decisions she made. I can't wait for November when Grammie and Grandpa come here!