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Saturday, May 18, 2013

Complete Sadness

I am 37 and 4 today. I will have our little guy on May 30, if he doesn't come on his own. With Layla my water broke on 37 &2 born after midnight. So he has already been in me longer. I guess I thought I may be lucky again this time to go a bit early. However with everything planned waiting till the 30 was best.My parents would be here the Sunday before. Dad would stay a week, and mom 2 weeks. This would also have my maternity leave timed right for our trip to Canada in August. Having them here would be great. Like last time Jatovi has Bulls games so they would be here in the evening while he worked. They would be here to watch Layla, and bring her to meet her little brother. My parents weren't there for her birth so it was going to be great having them here this time.
But none of this is going to happen. Last week we found out that my Dad has cancer. There I wrote it. There is no going back. It is true and I can't change it.
The 24 is Friday and he will be having surgery to hopefully remove it all. It is in his colon behind his spleen. I am glad the surgery got booked so fast but that means they will miss everything. After a very emotional and often sad pregnancy I am going to deliver my baby without any of my family here. Of course the reason is so sad I can't even put into words what I am feeling. Until the surgery and we find out how bad it really is I can not relax. What is important is my Dad is here for the next 20 years to watch him grow up, the birth is a small part of his life. But the overwhelming sadness I feel that the will miss just won't go away. I need to focus, I have not cooked, cleaned, or done anything since finding out. I need to get up and get ready he may be here anytime. This is not his fault and he doesn't deserve to come out to a sad mommy.
Jatovi has been so supportive  I can tell he is worried about me as well as my Dad, in fact he knew for 2 days before I did. My parents called him so they could pick a time we would all be home and I wouldn't have to find out alone. When I moved here at 25 I never gave stuff like this a thought. And traveling at 38 weeks is not a good idea. And my mom doesn't need to worry about me in labour while she is worried about my Dad.
So I will have my baby with the help of Jatovi's family. Layla will stay with his parents. Which she will love. While he is at games I will try to sleep and not try not to feel sorry for myself.
How can the saddest thing to ever happen to our family happen at one of the best times? It doesn't seem fair.